Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Saying Goodbye to Dating

In less than 75 days, I will be a misses. This has me nervous. Not that because I doubt my love for my fiance, or because I don't think I will be a good wife, but simply because - I never wanted to get married. When I met him I thought I had all this time to just date. I mean, I was the girl that scoffed at marriage. I'm a free spirit. Or I was. That has been reined in quite a bit due to my more grounded spiritual beliefs, and maturity, but I'm not complaining. I was the girl that would date any and everyone, having fun with whoever life threw my way. Then I up and fell in love with the one.

A couple of days I listened to my friend talk about this new Columbian guy she's dating, and I jerked straight up in my sleep. This is really it. No more Columbian guys for me. I don't get to date anymore. My life as I knew it, is over. That part of my free spirit nature has been cut short and...I'm not sure how I feel about that.

All of my life I have been a thicky thick girl. I didn't mind, but I did know that I wasn't the general man's idea of beauty. With that said, I didn't struggle all my life to find a date. Yes, there were dry seasons like there is for every girl, but I have consistently been in a relationship sans two years of my life since I was 12. When I was in college I just knew that before I was out of my 20s I was going to slim down to atleast a size 10 and just date around with all the guys I didn't have the opportunity to date before. I think apart of me felt like I was missing out, and I wanted to make sure I took a sip from every well I could find before settling at one.

Here I am 28, and 32lbs. lighter than I was on January 1, 2009. I'm *struggling* every day to lose 32 more, and on my way to being that girl that was in my head in college. The difference is that I'm much more settled, and my confidence is through the roof. I no longer long to date the guys I thought I was missing out on in college. I feel so much more like the real me, although I can't wait for it to reflect on the outside.

However today, today I'm mourning the dating the dreams I had. I'm not particularly saddened by it, just more like shook, as I should be. Another dream denied, another dream that won't come to pass. I will be married, and dating for me will be dead. A new Hidden Gem has to surface, and I have to take on new dreams with my new life in mind. This.is.real. my life is changing, and I'm just trying to hold on to the handlebars of this rollercoaster and let it all sink in.